Catching up on my challenge!

My computer has been acting up, and it's really hard to blog when you don't have a computer...so, I'm going to catch up on the #loveme challenge! 

Day 3-a word that describes me

This one might be tricky.  A bunch of words come to mind...#hotmess is the first that pops up in my head!  Because I truly feel that I am most of the time! 

But if we are being honest, I can't just pick one word. 

I'm emotional, sensitive, caring, loving, and unorganized.  

So I guess we can wrap it up by saying the one word to describe me is #mess

#pleaseblessthishotmess

Day 4, A person who loves me

This is NOT hard. 

Seriously.  

He loves me all the time, no questions asked, even when I'm the biggest shit head in the world.  I don't think anyone has ever, or will ever, love me more then my husband. 

Day 5, A note to the past you

I thought this might be hard, but it's not.  I have just a couple things to say to my younger self. 

Dear me,

Everything is going to work out.  

The challenges you will face, will one day all make sense. 

Please don't waste your days crying, or staying angry at the world. 

Fight through those hard times, and know that you will come out stronger in the end.

Day 6, a note to the future me

Dear Christina, 

I want you to know how proud I am of you for never giving up.  I know there were times you struggled to stay on track, and you did step away to clear your head more then once.  But it was awesome seeing you bounce back and start living your dreams again.  

I know you worked hard for your family, to give them everything you ever wanted.  You have made a huge impact in this world and I'm very proud of you. 

 

 

 

A picuture of me

What better way to jump back into blogging then to do a February photo prompt all about loving ourselves?  I have been wanting to start blogging again, but sometimes it's hard to even know where to begin.  

So day 2, a picture of me. 

I thought really hard about what picture to post, and finally came up with this one.  For no other reason other than this-it makes me happy, and proud of how far I have come. 

Because I still struggle.  

I still have doubts.

Some days I think I'm not worth it. 

The girl on the left was 5 years ago.  I was struggling to find my place in this world.  

And over the years, I have had many ups and downs.  So many.  

I was cruising along until I hit a speed bump, and had to readjust my world a bit.

I'm currently still readjusting, evaluating where I fit in.  

 

Over the course of the month, I hope to share a little bit about my journey the past 5 years, and also share where I'm at now.  I am hoping I will find my groove with blogging again, and fall back in love with sitting down and pouring my heart out in my own little corner of the internet. 

That's what it used to feel like for me.  

I felt safe here, and it truly felt like a comfy chair for me.  

Wrapped up in a fuzzy blanket with a good book. 

 

Thanks for reading, and I hope you will come back tomorrow. :) 

Always be you...everyone else is taken anyway

In a noisy social media world, I have been kind of lost lately. Lost in a sense of trying to find my place, find where I fit in.
For the past 4 years I have been sharing my world with you. Sharing my struggles and sharing my good times. I don't know what happened to me, but something did. One day, I became scared to post. I became scared to hit that button. I would write something...read it, and quickly delete it.
I was scared. Scared of being judged. By who? Everyone. Friends, people from school, fellow coaches...the people who don't really like me anyway.
I was scared my house wasn't good enough, my parenting wasn't that great, and because I didn't have chiseled abs or arms, I probably shouldn't be sharing my story on social media hoping to inspire someone.
So I stopped.
I stopped giving you a glimpse in my life.
Because I was afraid of being me.
ME.
I was scared, to be me. The one thing I tell my coaches, friends and kids...BE YOU. I was not living up to what I was preaching!
And then one day, I realized something. I was comparing myself to other Moms and other coaches, and thinking about everything they were doing, and I wasn't.
I suck at crafts. And I can't remember the last time we did one.
My house is a mess 24/7, and my laundry spends more time in baskets then hanging up in the closet.
I don't bake. I can't bake. I can't cook.
I don't have chiseled arms and abs.
I can't meal plan for a week for you, because I don't do it myself.
I don't go to be early so I can get up early, to get my to-do list done.
All this stuff! Floating around in my head. Consuming me, making me feel SO BAD about the life I have worked so hard to create for my family.
But then I realized, there are SO many people out there just like me...who REALLY need to see that they are human.
They don't like crafts. And that's okay.
We don't really like to bake..or cook...
Our goal isn't to have a 6 pack set of abs..our goal is to be happy and to love the skin we are in.
Meal planning is hard...so we ask our friend who is REALLY good at it, to help us.
We stay up late because our husbands are night owls...and don't get up early because he likes to snuggle with you in bed until the VERY LAST MINUTE...
I know I'm not perfect. I know I struggle, I fall down, I cry too much, and there are a few things I could do better.
But for now, I will embrace that. My not so chiseled stomach, my messy house, my unorganized world.
Because there is someone out there, reading this, that NEEDS to feel normal. My mess is their normal. 
My normal is a mess.
And as I sit here tonight with food in the fridge, money in the bank a roof over my head, happy kids, a happy husband, a happy dog, friends that love the crap out of me, coaches who have proven to me they are in it for the long haul...why would I want to ever trade this mess?
Embrace you, my friends.
I know it's hard sometimes. But take it from me...your mess is a blessing.

 

Keep fighting

I have depression. 

I also have an anxiety disorder.
 

It's the kind of depression that keeps me in bed when I should be outside.  The kind that makes it hard to be in social situations at times, and sometimes even hard to talk to my closest friends. The kind of anxiety that makes me start sweating and shaking, just because I have to go into the grocery store when it's busy. The kind of anxiety that makes me go silent even around my husband, putting a strain on our relationship because I clam up and won't talk to him about anything.

It's not the kind that can be fixed with getting outside and running, breathing in the fresh air. It's not the kind that can be fixed with proper nutrition.
It's also not the kind that I should be ashamed of.

Because I have a job to help and inspire others, I feel SO much pressure to not be such a hot mess. 
I mean, I should be helping more and more people, not reaching out for help right?

I have been hiding the past couple weeks.  Not knowing what way to go, who to turn to, what to even say.  I have been paralyzed by the feeling of hopelessness, being off course, and simply not knowing what to do.  Scared to death, of sharing this on social media.

I mean, haven't you seen me struggle enough? I'm sure you have.

I have thought about what triggered this, and I don't really have an answer for that.  It was a bunch of little things that came falling on me all at once, and I just couldn't fight anymore.

 
Sunday, I broke down. In my husbands arms. I told him I was done.  That just because I was "depressed" didn't mean that's who I was.  I can be diagnosed with it...but it doesn't have to be who I am. Because I can't have my daughter come up to me, wrap her little fingers around mine, and ask me if I'm okay as she sees tears streaming down my face.  I can't do it anymore.

Instead of choosing to throw up my hands and say YOU WIN, and continue to fill my heart with sadness, I am choosing a different route.

I choose therapy instead of trying to do this on my own.
I choose medication to get myself in balance.
I choose to start my day writing down everything I am grateful for.
I choose to fill my thoughts with "I am" instead of "I'm not" or "I can't."
I choose to spend more time living in the present, and not in the past or the future.
I choose to beat this.

I may have depression, but depression isn't who I am.
It's time to find ME. 
The Mom, the wife, the friend...the runner, the coach, the hot-mess unorganized, silly, ME.

I hope you will stay along for the ride. :) 

3 day refresh

With fall upon us, and the holidays quickly approaching, I find myself determined to start off feeling good about myself before the REALLY hard times get here.  Meaning the candy, the cakes, the family get-togethers, but plus the emotional side too.
The holidays can be a rough time for a lot of us, and if your feeling yucky on the inside AND outside, chances are you are going to struggle.  Who wants that?  Not me, and I sure hope not you either!
Last month I did the 3 day refresh after a wedding in Florida, and lets just say I had some pretty awesome results.

 When I said I was bloated, and needed a cleanse...I truly knew I did! But the results I got were just NUTS. I did not starve, I did not feel yucky the entire time. I was able to walk every night with my dog, drink a gallon of water each day, fill up on veggies, fruits, healthy fats (hummus) still drink Shakeology and the Vanilla refresh shake which I had everyday for lunch and dinner. I slept better, I'm WAY less bloated, and it was overall a really good experience!
I have managed to keep most of the weight off (I think I have gained 3 of it back) but that wasn't important to me. The scale never was a big deal, I just knew I needed to "de-fluff" myself! ;)

I would love to coach you through this 3 day program, and then help you for the next 30 days.  I am creating a group starting on October 12th for anyone who purchases the 3 day refresh challenge pack. I will have clean eating recipes for you, daily tips and motivation, and of course a prize at the end for the most active person! :)

If you are interested in this, or would like more information, please email me, christinanoonan54@gmail.com

Anxiety

I found this on a blog, and wanted to share it. It explains what I mean by "anxiety disorder."

"When I refer to my “anxiety”, I am not simply talking about my fears or situations that make me nervous. I’m not talking about the kind of anxiousness that everyone experiences throughout their life. I am talking about Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD)- a mental condition which affects nearly every aspect of my life in one way or another."

I have an anxiety disorder.

It's not me being nervous.  It's not me being rude.  It's not me being a snob.
When it hits me, it hits me hard.  There are days I wake up, and I feel like I have a 50lb weight on my chest.  I struggle to get out of bed, I struggle to walk down the steps. 

Normal routines are my life savor.  I must have my normal routine in order to function.  Without them, I am lost.

If I cancel at the last minute, don't take it personally...please. It's truly not you, it's me. There are days I just can't handle being out in the world.

If I am at a party and don't know the people there that well, and you see me alone in the corner...don't think I am sitting there because I am not social.  (Truth be told, I LOVE to dance and laugh!) 
But at that moment, I'm probably scared that that entire room is looking at me, laughing and saying "what's her deal."
So, come talk to me.  Come say hi.  But don't stay for very long...I don't like small talk with just anyone. There are just a few people who I can handle small talk with...literally, I can count them on one hand.

Not all days are like this, thankfully.  Over the years I have learned to control it.

This is not a post to bring attention to myself, for you to give me sympathy and think "oh you poor thing."  I'm over that. 

I thought that blogging about my struggles, and how I am learning to overcome them, would benefit a lot of people.  I hope anyway. ;)

Each week I will share a bit of my journey, how this started, when I was diagnosed, what I have done to help myself get better.  I'm not all the way there yet...but I'm sure the hell a lot further then I was 6 months ago!

Where do I go from here?

We all go through ups and downs, but some of us handle the downs better then others.  I handle my downs very poorly.  I then tend to shy away, and don't ask for help until it gets to the point of breaking me.  I have hit that point. 
While shopping for new clothes today I was reminded of how I have been treating my body the past 6 months.  I remember how I felt last summer...now I sit here 11lbs heavier and wonder why I let myself do this.  11lbs might not seem like much to you, but it is to me.  I worked so very hard to reach a goal, and held on to that for a long time...winter hit, depression kicked my ass, and so began the downward spiral.  It's not just about the weight gain.  It's about the emotions and feelings that come along with it.  I wanted someone to save me.  I wanted someone to come to me and tell me to get my head out of my ass, to remember why I started this journey and to tell me I wasn't going to go down that road again.  But not very many people knew.  And honestly, it's up to us to want to be saved and helped.  No one can do it for us.  I could of asked for help, but I didn't.  So where do I go from here?  I'm giving myself a few days to get a game plan going.  At this point, I'm not really sure.  Some days I don't have the motivation to get out of bed...getting my life back on track seems like a huge task and I'm scared I will fail again.  Because who says I won't?  It seems to be what I do best.
They say that loving yourself is the first thing you have to learn how to do.  And I will say it's the honest to God truth.  When you love you, the way you look, the way you feel, you change.  The way you carry yourself changes, your facial expressions change, your outlook on life changes.  I have been at both ends of those feelings.  Last summer was when I felt my best, the best I have felt in a long long time.  Now I'm here again.
I know I can fight this.  I know I can change things, lose the weight I gained and feel better.  And I will.  It just took me hitting rock bottom again to make a change. Lets hope this time, it's the last time.
 Wish me luck.