Monday, October 12, 2015

Keep fighting

I have depression. 
I also have an anxiety disorder.
 
It's the kind of depression that keeps me in bed when I should be outside.  The kind that makes it hard to be in social situations at times, and sometimes even hard to talk to my closest friends. The kind of anxiety that makes me start sweating and shaking, just because I have to go into the grocery store when it's busy. The kind of anxiety that makes me go silent even around my husband, putting a strain on our relationship because I clam up and won't talk to him about anything.

It's not the kind that can be fixed with getting outside and running, breathing in the fresh air. It's not the kind that can be fixed with proper nutrition.
It's also not the kind that I should be ashamed of.

Because I have a job to help and inspire others, I feel SO much pressure to not be such a hot mess. 
I mean, I should be helping more and more people, not reaching out for help right?

I have been hiding the past couple weeks.  Not knowing what way to go, who to turn to, what to even say.  I have been paralyzed by the feeling of hopelessness, being off course, and simply not knowing what to do.  Scared to death, of sharing this on social media.

I mean, haven't you seen me struggle enough? I'm sure you have.

I have thought about what triggered this, and I don't really have an answer for that.  It was a bunch of little things that came falling on me all at once, and I just couldn't fight anymore.

 
Sunday, I broke down. In my husbands arms. I told him I was done.  That just because I was "depressed" didn't mean that's who I was.  I can be diagnosed with it...but it doesn't have to be who I am. Because I can't have my daughter come up to me, wrap her little fingers around mine, and ask me if I'm okay as she sees tears streaming down my face.  I can't do it anymore.

Instead of choosing to throw up my hands and say YOU WIN, and continue to fill my heart with sadness, I am choosing a different route.

I choose therapy instead of trying to do this on my own.
I choose medication to get myself in balance.
I choose to start my day writing down everything I am grateful for.
I choose to fill my thoughts with "I am" instead of "I'm not" or "I can't."
I choose to spend more time living in the present, and not in the past or the future.
I choose to beat this.

I may have depression, but depression isn't who I am.
It's time to find ME. 
The Mom, the wife, the friend...the runner, the coach, the hot-mess unorganized, silly, ME.

I hope you will stay along for the ride. :)