Can I borrow some of your holiday spirit?

This is normally such a super crazy awesome time for us.
It's Christmas, you know.
The kiddos are off from school for a couple of weeks, I'm rushing around to get gifts, listening to holiday music, watching movies, looking so forward to Christmas Eve with y in-laws and Christmas morning with my hubby and girls.  We laugh and play games, sit in front of the fire and watch movies...it's our favorite time of the year.  Absolute favorite.

This year is different. 
I'm snappy with my girls.  I don't have patience. Nothing about shopping is exciting, looking at my tree and I'm ready to take it down. Last year it was up until almost February.  I don't smile much.  My husband is lethargic and just tonight had a meltdown thinking about his first Christmas without his Dad.  He doesn't meltdown like me for the world to see...he does it in his own way, you know, the way men do things.

How, where, when, can I find our holiday spirit?  When will it hit us?

I would like to say I should just suck it up, put on a happy face and be freaking happy...

But damn it. It's hard.
But you know what?
We have to, and are going to, and will snap out of this. 
You know why?

Because my mother in-law wants one thing for Christmas.  She's normally a hard person to buy for anyway, and never gives me ideas.  This year, she had one request. 

"I just want you all to be happy, that's all I want." 

 She's dealing with her first Christmas without her husband.  And she wants US to be happy.  She doesn't want us to be sad. 
That's just the kind of person she is. 
A pretty super awesome, special kind of person.

Ramblings

As I sit here sipping a beer, glancing up at my Christmas tree after tucking my kids into bed...I sit here and wonder if I can write what is in my heart and on my mind. 
It's been 103 days since my FIL died.  103 days of ups and downs, crying and laughing, thoughts and feelings being all over the place we don't know what is up or down.  Just when you think you have this whole grief thing under control, you realize you don't. 
The process of dealing with losing someone you love is hard to describe.  It's so damn confusing for one, and for two, you never know when your going to have a good day or a bad day.  I have noticed that sometimes I can be fine when I shouldn't, and it's the times I think I have my shit under control, I'm not.  Like shopping for Christmas.  One less gift.  Brunch...one less plate.  Just gathering to be together, one empty space in the room, one that will never be filled again with what used to be there. 
We are all struggling still.  Personally for me, I know my depression medication is finally helping, but I still have my days.  I'm not glued to the couch WANTING to live my life, but physically not being able to get up.  People think or say "I am SO depressed, but I won't let that stop me! I'm going to get up and go for a run, then I'll feel better!" 
BULLSHIT.  Yes, I'm calling BULLSHIT. 

When your living with depression, you can't get off the fucking couch and go for a run.  You can't just GET UP. You are glued, you are heavy, you are crying and laughing and pissed off and fed up, and not okay.  Your just NOT.  So don't give me that crap that you cured your depression by starting to run or workout or whatever it is you think you did to cure it....depression, REAL depression, can't be cured by those things.  The blues maybe?  Low point in your life maybe?  But to the core, serious, clinical depression...I'm sorry, but running won't cure it.  
I was physically unable to do ANYTHING for weeks.  I didn't want to run, workout, eat, sleep, or laugh.  I am not sure I smiled for weeks.  I let my business go under, I lost some friends in the process, and also threw away a trip to Cancun next April with the company I work for...
The past few months have been a blur. I have watched my friends and my team, go about their lives while mine has been either moving in slow motion or just completely at a stand still.  There has been nothing happening for me that I can stand up and shout about.  
But I can say this.
My family and I, we have all gotten much closer to one another.  We have opened up our eyes to what's the most important in life.  We don't care if we aren't going to Cancun next Spring.  We don't care that our kids can't tie our shoes at the age of 6.
What we do care about is RIGHT NOW.  We care about "I love you's" and evening snuggles.  We are about weekends together not doing ANYTHING but laying on the couch and staying in our PJ's all day...we care about fattening cupcakes, wine that makes us laugh, and beer that taste way to good. 
I don't live my life thinking about what can happen in 6 months.  They say you should...to set goals and DREAM BIG.  I have goals....and do you know what they are? 
To go to bed each night, really, TRULY feeling that I did all I could on that day to be the best Mom, wife, and friend I could be.  That the people that truly matter, knew just how much they meant to me.  That is my goal...to give my love unconditionally to those who deserve it. And to those who want it.  
If you are reading this, remember...at the end of the day, make sure you are feeling confident you are doing those things...I promise you, one day you will want to kick your own ass if you aren't.  

Don't let the death of a loved one make you realize what's truly important....because then, it just might be to late. 

 

TWW

So I'm in my first TWW after announcing we were adding to our family.  I told myself again and again, I wouldn't look into anything to much, and not put myself through any stress or anxiety.  But here we are 7dpo...I'm anxiously waiting for any signs.  I am wondering if I should take a test.  I got my first positive test with the girls when I was 5dpo...very faint, but indeed there.  I got my first ever digital positive test at 6dpo...and here I sit at 7.  What to do??  Should I test?  Should I let it ride out?  What on earth would make me think after struggling for over 6 years to have a baby, that the first month we actually "try" I am going to get pregnant.
Well, one reason.  Last month, I had a bad period.  Not like my normal bad periods...this one was bad.  I'm talking almost going to the ER one night because of the cramping and bleeding.  I have never had an early miscarriage (or at least never thought I have) my cycles just started and we moved on.  So could I of maybe had an early miscarriage and it COULD of been a pregnancy?  Maybe, maybe not.  All I do know is last month was wacky...this month we timed it perfectly. 
I'm sick with some stomach stuff...but this has been going on for a week, and I refuse to think it's pregnancy related.
I'm confused.  Maybe in the morning I'll take a test.  Maybe not.