All this stuff

I have sat down to write this post a few times, but just haven't.  Not for any reason other than I am recovering from another blast of depression taking it's toll on me and not being able to function.  

It started the week before Spring break.  Really no clue what triggered it.  The weather was cold and wasn't warming up.  It was cold and rainy.  Spring break got here, it still didn't warm up.  That Monday last week was BRUTAL. Trust me when I say if I didn't have kids I would of been in bed most days.  All day.  Not crying, just not feeling anything.  That's the thing.  I haven't been feeling much.  Not to sad, but not to happy either.  The only thing I have been feeling is anxiety.  The kind that makes you scared to leave your house.  The kind that makes you embarrassed to talk about because the thought of explaining it to someone doesn't seem possible.  How do you explain to someone you get anxiety from simply walking to your car and going to the grocery store?  But it happened.  We were in a new place, it was busy...sure enough I started to get hot and I started to sweat.  I walked with my head down to make sure I didn't run into anyone I knew, and made the trip as quickly as I could. 

 Then one day I will see a picture of my father in-law and I feel like I get punched in the gut. I am NEVER going to see his face again. I will never see him playing with my kids again.
That is a really, really hard thing to handle sometimes.
So then what happens is you start to fall further down. Everything piles up, and you feel like you can't breathe sometimes. You walk around in a fog.

 You feel like you are failing at everything and aren't good enough...then you look in the mirror and see someone you don't want to see. That person you have been trying so hard to run from.

The thing is, my girls are getting old enough to know when something is wrong.  I can't keep covering it up.  So when they ask me what's wrong because of a look on my face, I'm not sure what to say.  I just know that I fought to hard to have kids, and I refuse to let my anxiety/depression come in between me and being a good Mom.  

We went to Chicago last week for a couple days.  It was a nice getaway, but we quickly discovered that our trips to Bears games are not the same as a trip with our kids...it was a totally different experience!  The city will always be a magical place for us, and I am so glad we got to experience it with our girls.  Their first cab ride.  Their first time remembering being in a hotel, ghost hunting with Daddy.  It was all a lot to soak in, in just a couple of short days! 

I wont' lie.  The trip was hard at times.  Looking back there were a few things I wished I would of done differently.  I had a couple of breakdowns, but quickly came back up from those.  I reminded myself to look around, and know that I was with the 3 people who make me feel safe and loved the most in this world.  

It doesn't help either that I am dealing with a couple of injuries.  Not being able to workout when you want, not being able to kick your own ass when you know it's the one thing that will make you feel better is super duper damn frustrating. 

So there is all this stuff.  Stuff I am trying to work through.  Because I'm sick of telling you I'm struggling. I truly am.  If anyone in their right mind things I like this...I don't.  This is not for attention, this is not for anything other then sharing my feelings with those of you reading this, and hoping that maybe I can reach one person.  To tell you your not alone.  To tell you there is another person out there who is scared to wake up sometimes because she is worried about how she will feel...

I get it. 

And one day I will be able to tell you I fought this.  That I didn't let it win, that I won.  

I'll get there.  One day the good days will outweigh the bad.  

One day.