Can I borrow some of your holiday spirit?

This is normally such a super crazy awesome time for us.
It's Christmas, you know.
The kiddos are off from school for a couple of weeks, I'm rushing around to get gifts, listening to holiday music, watching movies, looking so forward to Christmas Eve with y in-laws and Christmas morning with my hubby and girls.  We laugh and play games, sit in front of the fire and watch movies...it's our favorite time of the year.  Absolute favorite.

This year is different. 
I'm snappy with my girls.  I don't have patience. Nothing about shopping is exciting, looking at my tree and I'm ready to take it down. Last year it was up until almost February.  I don't smile much.  My husband is lethargic and just tonight had a meltdown thinking about his first Christmas without his Dad.  He doesn't meltdown like me for the world to see...he does it in his own way, you know, the way men do things.

How, where, when, can I find our holiday spirit?  When will it hit us?

I would like to say I should just suck it up, put on a happy face and be freaking happy...

But damn it. It's hard.
But you know what?
We have to, and are going to, and will snap out of this. 
You know why?

Because my mother in-law wants one thing for Christmas.  She's normally a hard person to buy for anyway, and never gives me ideas.  This year, she had one request. 

"I just want you all to be happy, that's all I want." 

 She's dealing with her first Christmas without her husband.  And she wants US to be happy.  She doesn't want us to be sad. 
That's just the kind of person she is. 
A pretty super awesome, special kind of person.

Ramblings

As I sit here sipping a beer, glancing up at my Christmas tree after tucking my kids into bed...I sit here and wonder if I can write what is in my heart and on my mind. 
It's been 103 days since my FIL died.  103 days of ups and downs, crying and laughing, thoughts and feelings being all over the place we don't know what is up or down.  Just when you think you have this whole grief thing under control, you realize you don't. 
The process of dealing with losing someone you love is hard to describe.  It's so damn confusing for one, and for two, you never know when your going to have a good day or a bad day.  I have noticed that sometimes I can be fine when I shouldn't, and it's the times I think I have my shit under control, I'm not.  Like shopping for Christmas.  One less gift.  Brunch...one less plate.  Just gathering to be together, one empty space in the room, one that will never be filled again with what used to be there. 
We are all struggling still.  Personally for me, I know my depression medication is finally helping, but I still have my days.  I'm not glued to the couch WANTING to live my life, but physically not being able to get up.  People think or say "I am SO depressed, but I won't let that stop me! I'm going to get up and go for a run, then I'll feel better!" 
BULLSHIT.  Yes, I'm calling BULLSHIT. 

When your living with depression, you can't get off the fucking couch and go for a run.  You can't just GET UP. You are glued, you are heavy, you are crying and laughing and pissed off and fed up, and not okay.  Your just NOT.  So don't give me that crap that you cured your depression by starting to run or workout or whatever it is you think you did to cure it....depression, REAL depression, can't be cured by those things.  The blues maybe?  Low point in your life maybe?  But to the core, serious, clinical depression...I'm sorry, but running won't cure it.  
I was physically unable to do ANYTHING for weeks.  I didn't want to run, workout, eat, sleep, or laugh.  I am not sure I smiled for weeks.  I let my business go under, I lost some friends in the process, and also threw away a trip to Cancun next April with the company I work for...
The past few months have been a blur. I have watched my friends and my team, go about their lives while mine has been either moving in slow motion or just completely at a stand still.  There has been nothing happening for me that I can stand up and shout about.  
But I can say this.
My family and I, we have all gotten much closer to one another.  We have opened up our eyes to what's the most important in life.  We don't care if we aren't going to Cancun next Spring.  We don't care that our kids can't tie our shoes at the age of 6.
What we do care about is RIGHT NOW.  We care about "I love you's" and evening snuggles.  We are about weekends together not doing ANYTHING but laying on the couch and staying in our PJ's all day...we care about fattening cupcakes, wine that makes us laugh, and beer that taste way to good. 
I don't live my life thinking about what can happen in 6 months.  They say you should...to set goals and DREAM BIG.  I have goals....and do you know what they are? 
To go to bed each night, really, TRULY feeling that I did all I could on that day to be the best Mom, wife, and friend I could be.  That the people that truly matter, knew just how much they meant to me.  That is my goal...to give my love unconditionally to those who deserve it. And to those who want it.  
If you are reading this, remember...at the end of the day, make sure you are feeling confident you are doing those things...I promise you, one day you will want to kick your own ass if you aren't.  

Don't let the death of a loved one make you realize what's truly important....because then, it just might be to late. 

 

TWW

So I'm in my first TWW after announcing we were adding to our family.  I told myself again and again, I wouldn't look into anything to much, and not put myself through any stress or anxiety.  But here we are 7dpo...I'm anxiously waiting for any signs.  I am wondering if I should take a test.  I got my first positive test with the girls when I was 5dpo...very faint, but indeed there.  I got my first ever digital positive test at 6dpo...and here I sit at 7.  What to do??  Should I test?  Should I let it ride out?  What on earth would make me think after struggling for over 6 years to have a baby, that the first month we actually "try" I am going to get pregnant.
Well, one reason.  Last month, I had a bad period.  Not like my normal bad periods...this one was bad.  I'm talking almost going to the ER one night because of the cramping and bleeding.  I have never had an early miscarriage (or at least never thought I have) my cycles just started and we moved on.  So could I of maybe had an early miscarriage and it COULD of been a pregnancy?  Maybe, maybe not.  All I do know is last month was wacky...this month we timed it perfectly. 
I'm sick with some stomach stuff...but this has been going on for a week, and I refuse to think it's pregnancy related.
I'm confused.  Maybe in the morning I'll take a test.  Maybe not.

Holiday slim down

I have had a lot of people tell me lately that they are struggling. Either in the eating department, or just overall feeling BLA.
I get that, and can totally relate. You know if anyone understands, I can.
This time of year is hard for a lot of people. Some struggle with overeating and gaining weight, some struggle mentally with certain situations in their lives that are going on. EVERYONE has something that can make it hard to get through the holiday season.
I decided that instead of sitting here hoping that didn't happen to my friends, I would try and help...even just a little bit.
I am going to open up a free group. It's not a challenge group, it's not going to cost you a dime. It's just a support group.
We will be working out, fueling our bodies with healthy foods, supporting each other, motivating each other, and keeping each other accountable. The ONLY thing I ask of you is to fit in at least 20 minutes of activity each day, and be present in the group! That means, posting daily and telling us how you did that day! I will be posting a shopping list, and helping you with a meal plan if you would like.
I really, really want to help as many people as I can get through this last chunk of 2014 on a positive note! I will be opening this up next weekend, and then we commit on 12/1.

I will be running the group from Facebook, and will put you in a private group.  Please contact me there if you would like to join us! 

3 day refresh

Every once in a while, I feel like I need to start fresh. I am the first to admit I do not eat clean all the time, and indulge here and there.  Usually I am on track, but this time of year I tend to slip more times then not.  I know I don't have to wear a bikini to the pool tomorrow, or pull on my shorts and tank tops...I can lounge around in my sweats, with my comfy sweaters, and watch football...
Listen, I don't TOTALLY throw out my healthy lifestyle during the winter months LOL...I swear. ;) But back to my main point, I sometimes cheat, and sometimes feel way to bloated...and sometimes just feel GROSS.
In comes the 3 day refresh!
Read below to learn all about it! 

What is the 3 day refresh?  
The 3-Day Refresh is 3-day program of specially formulated shakes, healthy snacks, and delicious, easy-to-prepare meals that have been scientifically designed to help you lose weight and break the cycle of bad eating while dramatically improving the way you feel.

Why the refresh? 
• You need a clean break from a period of unhealthy eating.
• You used to eat pretty well but have recently fallen off the wagon and need some help getting back on.
• You want to jump-start healthy eating habits for a new workout program.
• You want to quickly lose a few pounds for an upcoming event.
• You’ve never been a healthy eater, but are ready to kick-start better nutrition for the first time.
• You want your clothes to fit better.
• You want more energy.
• You love food and want to be satisfied while you lose weight and get healthier.
• You’ve tried liquid fasts or other fad diets and they simply don’t work.

What’s included?
• 3 packets of Shakeology®—your choice of 6 flavors (we recommend Chocolate Vegan or Tropical Strawberry
Vegan during the Refresh as plant proteins are often easier for the body to digest)
• 6 packets of Vanilla Fresh (high-protein shake)
• 3 packets of Fiber Sweep (digestive drink)
• 1 Program Guide

What does one eat and drink while Refreshing?
• FILTERED WATER: In addition to the water you use in your shakes and teas, we recommend you drink
at least half your body weight in ounces of filtered water each day.
• BREAKFAST: A superfood-packed Shakeology shake, plus one fruit option
• MORNING TEA: 1 cup of unsweetened herbal or green tea
• LATE MORNING: Fiber Sweep, a digestive health drink
• LUNCH: Vanilla Fresh shake, plus 1 option from the Fruit List, 1 option from the Vegetable List, and 1 option from the Healthy Fats list
• AFTERNOON SNACK: 1 option from Vegetable List, and 1 option from the Healthy Fats list
• AFTERNOON TEA: 1 cup of unsweetened herbal tea (caffeine-free)
• DINNER: Vanilla Fresh shake, 1 option from the Dinner Recipes, and 1 cup of organic vegetable
broth (optional)
• EVENING TEA: 1 cup of unsweetened herbal tea (caffeine-free)

What to expect when Refreshing.
• The 3-Day Refresh is a low-calorie program (about 900 calories a day) but because the shakes and food selections are high in protein and fiber they help keep you satiated throughout the day.
• Because this program is packed with fiber, if you don’t already have a diet that’s high in fruits, veggies, and whole grains, it’s a good idea to prepare for the 3-Day Refresh by eating a large salad and/or a few servings of fresh veggies throughout the week leading up to it.
• If you get a little gas or bloating, this is a sign that you need to up your fiber levels in general. Fiber promotes satiety, balances blood sugar, promotes cardiovascular health, and keeps your digestive tract functioning.
• If gas is an issue, we’ve highlighted the “low gas-producing” options in the veggie list and dinner recipes in the menu guide.
• We recommend mild to moderate exercise during the 3-Day Refresh because this program will be more effective when your body can focus on cleansing.


Purchase options
-There are a couple of different options to chose from this month if your thinking about getting the refresh kit! The first one is just your BASIC refresh kit which comes what was listed above.  3 days worth of your shakes and fiber sweep, and your done!

 

 Click HERE to purchase your basic kit!

-Your second purchase option is to get your 3 day refresh kit, then continue on the next 30 days with a month supply of Shakeology!

 Click HERE to get your 3 day refresh challenge pack!

And your last option, is my favorite option.  For this month only, we have a PiYO/3 day refresh Kick-start challenge pack!  This includes the complete PiYO program, the 3 day refresh, and a 30 day supply of Shakeology.  Amazing deal right here.  

Click HERE to get your kick-start challenge pack!

My experience with the refresh is this.  It's simply amazing.  The first day is hard, because you are detoxing, and you are eating low calories.  But I swear you adjust very quickly.  I slept better, I felt better, I didn't have to take heart burn medication, my bloat went away, and I lost 6lbs.  In just 3 days.  And yes, I did keep it off! 

So, if you are interested in doing this with me starting 12/1, let me know!  I would love to have you join me and my friends. :)

Here we go again.....

I never in a million, gazillion years thought I would be making a blog post like this...ever.  

Me and my husband have been talking a lot about the future, and where we see our life headed.  We know for certain, we love what we have, and are happy as can be.  Including two beautiful daughters.

If you don't know, it took us a very long time to get pregnant.  We tried for several years on our own, before going to see a doctor.  Countless IUI procedures, and then finally one IVF cycle.  You can read my story here on that entire journey. 

I guess you can say, we have been thinking about more kiddos.  If you would of asked me a year ago around this time I would of laughed in your face...I actually used to laugh when people would bring it up.  Twins, plus another?  After what I went through? 

No, no, and hell no. 

But back up.

What if, I wasn't scared anymore?  What if, I knew I could handle it.  

Because this time around, I am not waiting for my miracle. I am not childless, and not sitting here month after month, negative pregnancy test after negative pregnancy test, wondering if I was ever going to have a baby. (or two) 

 This time, I know what to expect.  This time, I know it might take some time.  This time, I know we might not be able to get pregnant without some medical intervention. 

And I'm totally okay with that. 

Yes, we have decided that we are going to have another baby!!!  We are ready, and not only ready, but getting totally impatient...and this has just began! 

So here is what we have planned.  Neither one of us want to rush to the doctor.  We are going to try on our own until April of next year (after the girls turn 7) and then if I am not pregnant by then, we will move on to IVF.  I refuse to try anything else.  I don't want to waste my time, money, or emotions.  

So, if all goes according to plan...we should be pregnant by next Spring!!! 

I can't believe I am saying that still sometimes....we are officially TTC...holy crap. 

I didn't blog about my TTC journey with the girls. I was a part of a message board (fertility friend) and had my support system there...Facebook was not around, I don't think.  This time, I will be documenting it. 

It might take some time. It might not.  I might get pregnant within a couple months, or you could be reading this next Spring when I'm getting ready for my egg transfer. 

I just don't know. 

What I do know, is that I am excited to begin this new chapter in our lives.  I'm sure my emotions will be up and down, but I am okay with that.  

We just know, we are ready to make this family of 4, become a family of 5. 

And in honor of #TBT...here is a little glimpse into my first pregnancy...

 

My girls, as embryos. 

6 days later my first ever positive pregnancy test.

And me at 36 weeks.  6 days before I delivered these two beautiful, healthy, baby girls! 

Is it to early?

I asked on Facebook the other day, when was it to early to set up your Christmas tree.  The most popular response was "its never to early!"

My favorite response was....

Do it when your ready. It's your choice.  It's your tree.  Who cares what anyone thinks besides you?

"DUH."

So, here we are on November 15th, and we spent the entire afternoon setting up and decorating our tree.  We did a little flip flopping with the living room, but made it work. I actually LOVE this setup.

So...tis the season....is your tree up yet?