Always be you...everyone else is taken anyway

In a noisy social media world, I have been kind of lost lately. Lost in a sense of trying to find my place, find where I fit in.
For the past 4 years I have been sharing my world with you. Sharing my struggles and sharing my good times. I don't know what happened to me, but something did. One day, I became scared to post. I became scared to hit that button. I would write something...read it, and quickly delete it.
I was scared. Scared of being judged. By who? Everyone. Friends, people from school, fellow coaches...the people who don't really like me anyway.
I was scared my house wasn't good enough, my parenting wasn't that great, and because I didn't have chiseled abs or arms, I probably shouldn't be sharing my story on social media hoping to inspire someone.
So I stopped.
I stopped giving you a glimpse in my life.
Because I was afraid of being me.
ME.
I was scared, to be me. The one thing I tell my coaches, friends and kids...BE YOU. I was not living up to what I was preaching!
And then one day, I realized something. I was comparing myself to other Moms and other coaches, and thinking about everything they were doing, and I wasn't.
I suck at crafts. And I can't remember the last time we did one.
My house is a mess 24/7, and my laundry spends more time in baskets then hanging up in the closet.
I don't bake. I can't bake. I can't cook.
I don't have chiseled arms and abs.
I can't meal plan for a week for you, because I don't do it myself.
I don't go to be early so I can get up early, to get my to-do list done.
All this stuff! Floating around in my head. Consuming me, making me feel SO BAD about the life I have worked so hard to create for my family.
But then I realized, there are SO many people out there just like me...who REALLY need to see that they are human.
They don't like crafts. And that's okay.
We don't really like to bake..or cook...
Our goal isn't to have a 6 pack set of abs..our goal is to be happy and to love the skin we are in.
Meal planning is hard...so we ask our friend who is REALLY good at it, to help us.
We stay up late because our husbands are night owls...and don't get up early because he likes to snuggle with you in bed until the VERY LAST MINUTE...
I know I'm not perfect. I know I struggle, I fall down, I cry too much, and there are a few things I could do better.
But for now, I will embrace that. My not so chiseled stomach, my messy house, my unorganized world.
Because there is someone out there, reading this, that NEEDS to feel normal. My mess is their normal. 
My normal is a mess.
And as I sit here tonight with food in the fridge, money in the bank a roof over my head, happy kids, a happy husband, a happy dog, friends that love the crap out of me, coaches who have proven to me they are in it for the long haul...why would I want to ever trade this mess?
Embrace you, my friends.
I know it's hard sometimes. But take it from me...your mess is a blessing.

 

Keep fighting

I have depression. 

I also have an anxiety disorder.
 

It's the kind of depression that keeps me in bed when I should be outside.  The kind that makes it hard to be in social situations at times, and sometimes even hard to talk to my closest friends. The kind of anxiety that makes me start sweating and shaking, just because I have to go into the grocery store when it's busy. The kind of anxiety that makes me go silent even around my husband, putting a strain on our relationship because I clam up and won't talk to him about anything.

It's not the kind that can be fixed with getting outside and running, breathing in the fresh air. It's not the kind that can be fixed with proper nutrition.
It's also not the kind that I should be ashamed of.

Because I have a job to help and inspire others, I feel SO much pressure to not be such a hot mess. 
I mean, I should be helping more and more people, not reaching out for help right?

I have been hiding the past couple weeks.  Not knowing what way to go, who to turn to, what to even say.  I have been paralyzed by the feeling of hopelessness, being off course, and simply not knowing what to do.  Scared to death, of sharing this on social media.

I mean, haven't you seen me struggle enough? I'm sure you have.

I have thought about what triggered this, and I don't really have an answer for that.  It was a bunch of little things that came falling on me all at once, and I just couldn't fight anymore.

 
Sunday, I broke down. In my husbands arms. I told him I was done.  That just because I was "depressed" didn't mean that's who I was.  I can be diagnosed with it...but it doesn't have to be who I am. Because I can't have my daughter come up to me, wrap her little fingers around mine, and ask me if I'm okay as she sees tears streaming down my face.  I can't do it anymore.

Instead of choosing to throw up my hands and say YOU WIN, and continue to fill my heart with sadness, I am choosing a different route.

I choose therapy instead of trying to do this on my own.
I choose medication to get myself in balance.
I choose to start my day writing down everything I am grateful for.
I choose to fill my thoughts with "I am" instead of "I'm not" or "I can't."
I choose to spend more time living in the present, and not in the past or the future.
I choose to beat this.

I may have depression, but depression isn't who I am.
It's time to find ME. 
The Mom, the wife, the friend...the runner, the coach, the hot-mess unorganized, silly, ME.

I hope you will stay along for the ride. :) 

3 day refresh

With fall upon us, and the holidays quickly approaching, I find myself determined to start off feeling good about myself before the REALLY hard times get here.  Meaning the candy, the cakes, the family get-togethers, but plus the emotional side too.
The holidays can be a rough time for a lot of us, and if your feeling yucky on the inside AND outside, chances are you are going to struggle.  Who wants that?  Not me, and I sure hope not you either!
Last month I did the 3 day refresh after a wedding in Florida, and lets just say I had some pretty awesome results.

 When I said I was bloated, and needed a cleanse...I truly knew I did! But the results I got were just NUTS. I did not starve, I did not feel yucky the entire time. I was able to walk every night with my dog, drink a gallon of water each day, fill up on veggies, fruits, healthy fats (hummus) still drink Shakeology and the Vanilla refresh shake which I had everyday for lunch and dinner. I slept better, I'm WAY less bloated, and it was overall a really good experience!
I have managed to keep most of the weight off (I think I have gained 3 of it back) but that wasn't important to me. The scale never was a big deal, I just knew I needed to "de-fluff" myself! ;)

I would love to coach you through this 3 day program, and then help you for the next 30 days.  I am creating a group starting on October 12th for anyone who purchases the 3 day refresh challenge pack. I will have clean eating recipes for you, daily tips and motivation, and of course a prize at the end for the most active person! :)

If you are interested in this, or would like more information, please email me, christinanoonan54@gmail.com

Anxiety

I found this on a blog, and wanted to share it. It explains what I mean by "anxiety disorder."

"When I refer to my “anxiety”, I am not simply talking about my fears or situations that make me nervous. I’m not talking about the kind of anxiousness that everyone experiences throughout their life. I am talking about Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD)- a mental condition which affects nearly every aspect of my life in one way or another."

I have an anxiety disorder.

It's not me being nervous.  It's not me being rude.  It's not me being a snob.
When it hits me, it hits me hard.  There are days I wake up, and I feel like I have a 50lb weight on my chest.  I struggle to get out of bed, I struggle to walk down the steps. 

Normal routines are my life savor.  I must have my normal routine in order to function.  Without them, I am lost.

If I cancel at the last minute, don't take it personally...please. It's truly not you, it's me. There are days I just can't handle being out in the world.

If I am at a party and don't know the people there that well, and you see me alone in the corner...don't think I am sitting there because I am not social.  (Truth be told, I LOVE to dance and laugh!) 
But at that moment, I'm probably scared that that entire room is looking at me, laughing and saying "what's her deal."
So, come talk to me.  Come say hi.  But don't stay for very long...I don't like small talk with just anyone. There are just a few people who I can handle small talk with...literally, I can count them on one hand.

Not all days are like this, thankfully.  Over the years I have learned to control it.

This is not a post to bring attention to myself, for you to give me sympathy and think "oh you poor thing."  I'm over that. 

I thought that blogging about my struggles, and how I am learning to overcome them, would benefit a lot of people.  I hope anyway. ;)

Each week I will share a bit of my journey, how this started, when I was diagnosed, what I have done to help myself get better.  I'm not all the way there yet...but I'm sure the hell a lot further then I was 6 months ago!

Where do I go from here?

We all go through ups and downs, but some of us handle the downs better then others.  I handle my downs very poorly.  I then tend to shy away, and don't ask for help until it gets to the point of breaking me.  I have hit that point. 
While shopping for new clothes today I was reminded of how I have been treating my body the past 6 months.  I remember how I felt last summer...now I sit here 11lbs heavier and wonder why I let myself do this.  11lbs might not seem like much to you, but it is to me.  I worked so very hard to reach a goal, and held on to that for a long time...winter hit, depression kicked my ass, and so began the downward spiral.  It's not just about the weight gain.  It's about the emotions and feelings that come along with it.  I wanted someone to save me.  I wanted someone to come to me and tell me to get my head out of my ass, to remember why I started this journey and to tell me I wasn't going to go down that road again.  But not very many people knew.  And honestly, it's up to us to want to be saved and helped.  No one can do it for us.  I could of asked for help, but I didn't.  So where do I go from here?  I'm giving myself a few days to get a game plan going.  At this point, I'm not really sure.  Some days I don't have the motivation to get out of bed...getting my life back on track seems like a huge task and I'm scared I will fail again.  Because who says I won't?  It seems to be what I do best.
They say that loving yourself is the first thing you have to learn how to do.  And I will say it's the honest to God truth.  When you love you, the way you look, the way you feel, you change.  The way you carry yourself changes, your facial expressions change, your outlook on life changes.  I have been at both ends of those feelings.  Last summer was when I felt my best, the best I have felt in a long long time.  Now I'm here again.
I know I can fight this.  I know I can change things, lose the weight I gained and feel better.  And I will.  It just took me hitting rock bottom again to make a change. Lets hope this time, it's the last time.
 Wish me luck.

All this stuff

I have sat down to write this post a few times, but just haven't.  Not for any reason other than I am recovering from another blast of depression taking it's toll on me and not being able to function.  

It started the week before Spring break.  Really no clue what triggered it.  The weather was cold and wasn't warming up.  It was cold and rainy.  Spring break got here, it still didn't warm up.  That Monday last week was BRUTAL. Trust me when I say if I didn't have kids I would of been in bed most days.  All day.  Not crying, just not feeling anything.  That's the thing.  I haven't been feeling much.  Not to sad, but not to happy either.  The only thing I have been feeling is anxiety.  The kind that makes you scared to leave your house.  The kind that makes you embarrassed to talk about because the thought of explaining it to someone doesn't seem possible.  How do you explain to someone you get anxiety from simply walking to your car and going to the grocery store?  But it happened.  We were in a new place, it was busy...sure enough I started to get hot and I started to sweat.  I walked with my head down to make sure I didn't run into anyone I knew, and made the trip as quickly as I could. 

 Then one day I will see a picture of my father in-law and I feel like I get punched in the gut. I am NEVER going to see his face again. I will never see him playing with my kids again.
That is a really, really hard thing to handle sometimes.
So then what happens is you start to fall further down. Everything piles up, and you feel like you can't breathe sometimes. You walk around in a fog.

 You feel like you are failing at everything and aren't good enough...then you look in the mirror and see someone you don't want to see. That person you have been trying so hard to run from.

The thing is, my girls are getting old enough to know when something is wrong.  I can't keep covering it up.  So when they ask me what's wrong because of a look on my face, I'm not sure what to say.  I just know that I fought to hard to have kids, and I refuse to let my anxiety/depression come in between me and being a good Mom.  

We went to Chicago last week for a couple days.  It was a nice getaway, but we quickly discovered that our trips to Bears games are not the same as a trip with our kids...it was a totally different experience!  The city will always be a magical place for us, and I am so glad we got to experience it with our girls.  Their first cab ride.  Their first time remembering being in a hotel, ghost hunting with Daddy.  It was all a lot to soak in, in just a couple of short days! 

I wont' lie.  The trip was hard at times.  Looking back there were a few things I wished I would of done differently.  I had a couple of breakdowns, but quickly came back up from those.  I reminded myself to look around, and know that I was with the 3 people who make me feel safe and loved the most in this world.  

It doesn't help either that I am dealing with a couple of injuries.  Not being able to workout when you want, not being able to kick your own ass when you know it's the one thing that will make you feel better is super duper damn frustrating. 

So there is all this stuff.  Stuff I am trying to work through.  Because I'm sick of telling you I'm struggling. I truly am.  If anyone in their right mind things I like this...I don't.  This is not for attention, this is not for anything other then sharing my feelings with those of you reading this, and hoping that maybe I can reach one person.  To tell you your not alone.  To tell you there is another person out there who is scared to wake up sometimes because she is worried about how she will feel...

I get it. 

And one day I will be able to tell you I fought this.  That I didn't let it win, that I won.  

I'll get there.  One day the good days will outweigh the bad.  

One day. 

The good, the bad, and the ugly of social media

Do you think of blogging like you think of Facebook or Instagram?  Or are you more drawn to Pinterest?  Is there somewhere else that you are drawn to? I am here to talk to you about the good, the bad, and the super ugly of our social media world.  Well, just how I see it. 

I remember before I was pregnant, I didn't know what Facebook was.  It was started in 2004.  I wonder why on earth I wasn't on there blasting my infertility journey, my soon to be belly pictures, or anything else.  I had the girls in 2008.  Before then, I was on an infertility site where I was sucked into the drama of who was getting pregnant before me, and who was being a catty bitch that day (trust me there were so many woman who I wanted to slap daily) but that's really all I did social media wise.  I decided I should start a Facebook page in 2009 and to be honest I have no idea what the hell I used it for.  I guess to show off pictures of my kids...

 So then in 2011 I became a Beachbody coach.  Social media/Facebook was the place I started my business, and how I have continued to make it grow and thrive.  I have friend who are like family, and support groups that keep me going mentally and physically.  I also have family who live in other states who can keep up with the girls and our world.

 Good right?  Where's the ugly? 

If your human like me, there is this little thing called comparing yourself to others that can really smack you in the face when you are CONSTANTLY on social media. 
 We are constantly wondering what people are doing, when they are doing, what they are wearing while they are doing it, and how long it takes them to do it. On a daily basis. 

It's so freaking important for me to check this one Instagram account every single day and wonder how her life is so perfect...her and her husband.  No kids.  They live in Florida. They travel a lot.  They never have a messy house, they have assistants, and they are always a perfect hot mess...everything about them is picture perfect.

There is also this one Facebook page I check daily, but never comment on..she has kids too..and she does what I do...but she does it so perfectly, and so flawlessly...that every time I go to her page, I end up feeling bad about myself.  

But I continue to go back to that page, everyday...and then I feel bad.  Again. 

I seem to sabotage myself. I am so wrapped up in what everyone else is doing, it's distracting me.  Because for the longest time, I thought that going to these pages and seeing their awesomeness would somehow INSPIRE me.  I would read something someday that would make what I'm trying to do easier. I would come upon the magic potion to make MY life perfect and have everything in place all the damn time.

But guess what?

I haven't yet. 

And today, it smacked me like a shit ton of bricks.

I am letting social media not help me, but hurt me.  

The first time I realized social media was hurting me, was last summer when my daughter was talking to me..I kept saying "hang on" and "I will be right there" 

Then I realized that for 10 minutes I was doing NOTHING but going through the newsfeed on Facebook and missing precious time with her.  And yes, precious time IS hearing something totally not important come from my kids mouth.  Everything she says should be important. So I made it a priority to put down my phone when I was with my kids.  And I have done a hell of a job with that.  Watching shows, playing the park...I am in FULL Mom mode 100% of the time, and am very proud of that.  Sure I have an occasional time where I check a message, but it is short lived.  If the message back is long, I wait to answer it.

 

But then there is the time I am alone...I have a few extra minutes while they are in the tub. I sit down, and pick up my phone...and before you know it, I now know what so and so did today, what they ate, what this person wore, and what she did for her workout. 

Why? 

Why do we waste so much of our precious time on this earth, wondering what other people are doing???  

 Has social media formed our brains to be like this?  And the successful people are the ones who have that part figured out?  Those people know that they are being watched, and not to watch...

 

Let me wrap this up by saying I am not some psycho who stalks people, cries in the corner while sucking my thumb wishing I had another life...I love my life. 

I just need to appreciate it more.  I spent the day with one of my twins today, and at one point we were sitting in the front yard looking at the sky...just talking...and I for one second thought "lets take a picture and post it to facebook so the whole world knows we are doing this at this very moment!" 

Then I paused.

It was our moment.

And I kept it to be our moment, before I gave it away to a million people. 

I'm not sure what this means for me, but I do know I am going to be changing the way I run my life.

MY life.